Today I had a glimpse into the future.

Three sons...

Last night they brought their mother to the emergency room with difficulty breathing...she had a pulmonary embolism ( a potentially lethal clot in her lung). She was admitted.

Today...

They brought their father in---confused and combative---totally out of the ordinary. We in the emergency department could not figure out what was causing the confusion--in spite of hours of attempts. In the mean time, his blood pressure dropped, his confusion got worse and the end result was--he was admitted to the ICU.

Three sons...
smiled and were complete gentlemen...while we poked, prodded and violated their father.

Three sons...
confusion on their face because we could not provide the answers they needed to hear.

Three sons...
masking their distrust...

Three sons....
obviously raised by two people with character, integrity and dignity.

Three sons...
on the verge of loosing both at the same time.

How would I have responded?

How will I respond?

How should one respond?

God, please have mercy on this most precious family? Amen

I'm hugging the prayers of those I would never have known except for this medium. Thank You Lord for the many blessings You send my way each and every day! You are great beyond comparison and i am so blessed to have you as my Father, Saviour and King!

I'm never really sure how to include the Holy Spirit in my prayers. i suppose it is that Spirit that allows me to have a voice of praise....so thank You most Holy of Spirits for giving voice to my praise!

Thank you for Devoted and her gift of prayer, granolachic for her devotion to relationships, and Bugs for just being Bugs to her family and mine..... Please bless Waystation and may he feel the healing within his body and soul. And Lord...for Escapist....please meet the needs of her most precious and individual soul. Solar P is one of a kind and I ask for many blessings on that family.

Betsy and her 5 men are so special and I ask a kind Look and Nod from You.

May I use this time to glorify Your name. i ask Your intervention in my spiritual, physical and work families. Please forgive my short comings, esp. at work.

Please bless my marriage and all marriages in these most difficult of times?!?

Oh God, YOU ARE SOOO GOOD!!!

and Thank You for the pictures of m. geistweite and his prowess behind a camera.

Found a new photographer today. His name is Mark Geistweite. His nature photos are phenomonal. The one posted is called "Gold on Them Thar Hills". I absolutely love it.

I felt so inspired to just get out and be among nature and it's beauty.

Today has been a great day. I can't wait to see what my newfound energy will create in my yard this year. So often I have wished for the ability to paint or to be able to sing. Maybe, just maybe, I can create something with my hands and some dirt that will do both. The sounds and colors of nature are my favorites anyway.

Beautiful day
---may I breathe you in deeply
---to the roots of my soul.

Spirit of breeze
---inhale the peace and sunshine
---that wrap around my life

---like a soft blanket of joy.

Spring!

STARTING OVER (REVISED)

ALONE AMONG OTHERS---
WORDS.... SPOKEN....
----NOT MY OWN

LIFE PASSES BY.....
--UNSEEN
--UNHEARD
--UNKNOWN

MY HEART BROKE ONCE
AND AGAIN----AND AGAIN

---THEN LIGHT ENTERED
--- AND NURTURED THE SOIL OF MY SOUL

HOPE STOLE MY HEART ONCE
---AND AGAIN AND AGAIN

BUT THEN
---PROVIDENCE REIGNED!

---ON THAT SOIL OF MY SOUL

WAIT.......

A VOICE WHISPERS......

WHOSE VOICE?

HOW COULD I KNOW?

--NEVER BEEN............... SPOKEN
--NEVER BEEN...................... HEARD
--NEVER BEEN............................TRUE

WHOSE VOICE?

MY OWN

thank you Lord for my diagnosis.

thank you for Light and Love and Forgiveness.

may i use the newfound treasures to glorify Your name somehow, someway...even if i am unaware of my actions.

thank you for bugs, knights and turkeys!

thank you for E.Dickinson:

---"If I can stop one heart from breaking,
----I shall not live in vain;
----If I can ease one life the aching,
----Or cool one pain,
----Or help one fainting robin
----Unto his nest again,
----I shall not live in vain." #VI

okay one more and then i'll stop

--"I had no time to hate, because
--The grave would hinder me,
--And life was not so ample I
--Could finish enmity.

--Nor had I time to love; but since
--Some industry must be,
--The little toil of love, I thought,
--Was large enough for me." #XVII

I wonder what percentage of individuals wake up one morning and realize that they have never heard their own voice (there is a poem in there but I can't find it right now....)

This could possibly be political, professional, spiritual or personal.

Suddenly I feel as though I have lived my life for others.

That includes God and I believe I should live for God....but is it my God or someone's interpretation of God?

Certainly I believe in God--Jehovah God--the One and Only God. And I believe in Christ as my Saviour.

I believe that everything is subject to one's interpretation. But are we going to be held accountable for the origin of our interpretation?

And my political, professional and personal lives....are they what I want or what someone, somewhere told me I need?

Suddenly I feel as though I've emerged from a shell...like a plant opening from a seed. I wrote a poem about that once. It must have been prophetic.

I know I have a strong personality-otherwise I would never have survived so much abuse in the past.

But who am I now? What do I really want to say? How do I want to live what little life I may have left?

Whatever is before me............I am tingling with anticipation!!!!!

photo: floriana barbu

right now i am just loving the way blogging allows a glimpse into the lives of others. viewing intimacies of those mostly unknown to me through this wonderful medium. sometimes, i find myself driving down the road and i see a light on in someones house. i begin to wonder what was going on in that particular home at that particular moment.......are those unknown to me happy, sad, angry or content? are they hungry or enjoying a feast? how does their family interact? is it loving, kind, giving or is there strife?

blogging allows that sense of voyeurism in me to be satisfied and i find it fascinating.

today i glimpsed the wonders of children of all ages... a mother who must be beside herself with fear for her grown child's life while he serves our country on the other side of the world... a mother homeschooling her children and teaching them the joys of nature. i peered into the minds of mothers who have children with autism who find the smallest gestures joyful. i read the words of mothers and fathers who are so gentle, kind and generous! i am able to read poems written from the hearts of those across the country and across the world. i'm allowed an intimate view into and from many people i probably will never meet and i think.....how WONDERFUL! i'm so thankful to you all and blessed by your sharing of yourselves and your families.

photo: "serenade" by melina galchina

Evie

My granddaughter cried herself to sleep tonight because she missed her mother.

Mother is in rehab.

At one time, I thought mother was a demon straight from hell. Then God spoke and brought me to my knees and gave her to me as a soul that needed to be saved from her own demons.

"Oh God, don't I have enough to deal with already?"
"No child, not yet!".....(whining/moaning/self-pity)

A card came in the mail the other day.

Mother is encouraging her child to lean on God. Mother is encouraging her child to pray when she is happy or sad. Mother is encouraging her child!

Mother is now a believer...
and so am I!

Inconsolable tears

cried from

deep

within

a void created

by birth.

hope...begins with

a spark

Wait...what apparition,

doubt or demon

comes to steal

that most dear?

hope...

held captive deep within

the created

hope...

sent from the creator

the omnipotent

the loving

the wounded

possessed of heart

familiar with the

brokenness

yet filled with

the love that

fans the flame

that starts

with

a

spark

photo: Sandris Grivins

Tonight I don't want to be me. I just want to be someone who is never noticed. I want to blend. Why is that so difficult for me?

My medication isn't working. I read that 50% of all Cyclothymic Disorders progress to Bipolar I or II. Please dear God don't let that be me!!!

And yet, I am the child. All I can do is trust!

Father, may I climb in Your lap tonight? Please?


Only...........

IN SILENCE…
am I able to hear.

IN LONELINESS…
am I near.

IN BROKENESS…
am I made whole.

IN SUBMISSION…
am I led.

IN SURRENDER…

I AM

............Only!

photo: "Isolation" by Ilona Wellman

What DO I say tonight? What Font, What size, italics or bold, to indent or not indent, centered or right sided..................What?


WHO GIVES A FLYING FLIP???????


My children, my offspring, my begotten, my loves....the ones who have always been there--whether it was a mouth to feed or a smile to be cherished--the ones who looked to me for sustenance, acceptance and confirmation that they had worth---both finished their first half-marathon.


That may not sound like much to you but, if not, well, I can only assume you never ran 13.1 miles... ah hump....without stopping.

Now I must say, I have two of the most amazing kids on earth anyway. They both have more personality in their smallest toenail than most people can muster in a lifetime. Nevermind that they have overcome my addictions and the fact that I kept them in an abusive relationship for over a decade. Let me take that back....how could I have the nerve to say "nevermind" to something like that. MIND!!! MIND!!! They MINDED. But they OVERCAME because that is what my awesome children do---they overcome.


MIND the fact that my daughter was abused and is now the most awesome mother and wife that I know! She has friends that are truly---rare and genuine treasures---because she is a rare and genuine treasure. She is able to give of herself like Christ intended us all to give. And she does it without hesitation--to anyone in need.


MIND that my son who was also abused is one of the most respectable individuals I know--especially among men! In spite of the example he grew up with, he came away from the relationship knowing exactly what kind of man he did NOT want to be. Not only did he overcome the example set for him, but he exudes the kind of man God wants him to be.

Do I take credit in this or do I take blame?

My flesh wants to roll around and gloat! My flesh says that they are just the cloth from which they were cut. My flesh......yes, my flesh. My flest is convicted and humbled. If I speak of humility is it genuine?

My flesh comes from my parents. Yes, my parents.... My parents....


You know, the bible banging, antipsychology- i can't tell them my diagnosis----parents. Yes--my parents are the ones I must give credit at this time.


There are some values that are deep within the substance of my genetics that have somehow surfaced from within my offspring.....and I can say most wholeheartedly.....Thanks Mom and Thanks Dad! Any credit i take only comes from your instillation of His Holy Spirit. And that is something you both did well!


So-


Give unto
the ones you love
the best you have
right now.


Plant a seed
and it will grow.
Just know that
God is near.


The vine
that only You
can sow--
is all that
needs to
rise.


And tender leaves
look toward the Son-
the gift of
Life is grown.



My dearest Lord, have mercy on all parents and help us to know the precious gift(s) You have given. Forgive those who forsake the gift and help us to avail ourselves to You to help shine a light and give hope to the little ones who have been forsaken.

At one time my therapist gave me some information taken from

Kathleen Adams LPC, PTR-MS

Center for Journal Therapy, Inc.

Thoughts from my journal:

8/19/09

healing is possible but will take an incredible amount of time.....

brace myself for failures and mistakes....

don't judge too harshly...

no editing of myself...

be grateful!

Then I found one section that was interesting. I was amazed by my responses one year ago. I will post for others to answer on their own.

These are called "Sentence Stems".

A word that describes me is......

When I check myself I feel......

My Inner Critic says I'm.....

My Inner Wisdom says I'm............

If my mood were a color, it would be...............

That was just some food for thought. I encourage everyone to investigate Ms. Adams' work for themselves. If nothing else, it was quite inspirational for some prose.

The above picture is by Daniel Montero. It suits my mood well tonight.

Mr. Montero requests that you enlarge the picture for full effect. I couldn't agree more.

MASTERPIECE


THE PAINTER...
NOT THE WRITER...

MERELY THE BRUSH...
THE PEN

LIFE THE CANVAS
GOD THE HAND

BEHOLD! THE MASTERPIECE

MY LIFE

photograph: Martha Casanave

just feeling peaceful

Another hectic day at work and I'm

Feeling convicted regarding my stubborn flesh.

Just thankful for His tolerance of me.

Mindfulness...mindfulness....

Thank You for my years!

Fifty

Arms held high and
head bowed low.
Heart still hard
but broken.

Cries…soft and weak.
Dreams drifted past.
Life’s journey
nearing an end.

And yet I linger on…..

Your voice Still, is
a constant.
Your presence never far.

Once again-
I hear You,
And I…

Surrender

ME

photograph: "walk in the light"....floriana barbu

Last night I had a patient. I'd inherited him from the previous shift. He was being discharged to home. The problem was: there was no home. He looked old but they all look old. They being the homeless. They look old because of the abuse heaped on their bodies, inflicted by themselves due to addictions and irresponsibility.

Wasn't I right?

The fact that he had no home was NOT my responsibility. I made sure he had his prescription (never mind the fact that he had no money to get it filled). "Where do I go?" he asked. "Where did you come from?" I asked. "The Salvation Army" he replied."Then I suppose you need to go back there" was all I could say.

Wasn't I right?

I was thinking about the 30 people who were in the waiting room and had been there for hours...all needing to be seen. I was thinking about how I needed to discharge this patient and get the next patient in this room. I was thinking that an emergency room isn't supposed to be a shelter for the homeless. Besides, it was the end of my shift.

Wasn't I right?

Then I looked up and saw the housekeeper looking at me with that "aren't you going to do something?" look on her face. You see, she is a Believer...and so am I. But this wasn't my problem. I walked out of the room and left him to dress himself.

Wasn't I right?

I looked down at my notes. His birth date was 1932. He is 78 years old. He had dementia. I walked back into the room. His hands were trembling and desperately trying to put on his shirt. I reached to help. He had no coat and the wind chill factor was in the 30s. I put him in a wheelchair and pushed him out to the waiting room. When I told him he could spend the night there if he behaved himself I thought I was being kind. He assured me he would not be any trouble and clung to the Styrofoam container of food I had given him. It was time for me to leave and I had done all I could do....I had gone the extra mile....I had done my job.

Wasn't I right?

A voice came to me: "As you do unto the least of these”. I looked back at his empty eyes. I walked over to the phone and called the Salvation Army. Line busy. Again and again I called. I was late getting off. Then I tried The Compassion Center but it was 9 pm and I knew they didn't take anyone after 8. Oh well...and whispered a prayer. Someone answered...the person on the other end knew this fellow. The person on the other end accepted him but how was I going to get him there? The hospital had cut back on paying for cab rides except in extreme situations. It just so happened that the charge nurse agreed and a cab was called.I walked back out to the waiting room. The man was slumped over in his wheelchair still clinging to his food. I gave him the last coat we had in our stash and told him we were getting him a cab to the Center. His eyes were no longer empty.

Back out to the waiting room, I wheeled him over to the door and asked the guard to assist him into the cab whenever it arrived. The demented little old man thanked me over and over. I looked up I saw a woman I had taken care of earlier who had been doing crack cocaine. She was staring at me with tears in her eyes. She said "God bless you". I fought back the tears . After all, I was standing in a packed waiting room and couldn't cry in front of all those people.

Wasn’t I right?

I thanked the woman and dashed back into the department...still fighting back tears.

Then I felt the conviction of my hardened heart and my prejudices and hung my head in shame. There but for the grace of God go I.

Wasn't I right!

I want to be a part of your world
having you become a part of mine.
Though we don’t see eye to eye
on all that surrounds us-
our ideals in life,
our motives for being,
our reasons for existence,
I want to understand you
even greater
accept you as you are-
with an open eye,
an open heart-
I want
to be your friend.
------------------jonivan

Starting Over

Today is a new day. I've changed my site header from "thoughts on being diagnosed as Bipolar at age fifty" to "thoughts on beginning life at age 50". Who cares what my diagnosis might be? I'm excited about the future. Finally the page is turning and a new story is about to begin.

Last night was a night filled with internet wandering through pictures from the Depression Era. Mostly works by Dorthea Lange (as you can see by those posted on my home page). How could I have the audicity to even begin to feel sorry for myself? Blessings have been bestowed on me beyond even the wildest imagination. There have certainly been times when the next meal was meager but there was always a next meal for me and my children. The mere thought of my children or my grandchildren going hungry is enough to make me hang my head in guilt as well as shame for ever thinking that I had been dealt an undesireable hand.

My change of heart was also influenced by my pastor's words today. Something to the effect that: if we are believers in the power of our most awesome God, then why do we not spend as much time in prayer when asking for the solution to a problem as we spend trying to find the solution? (hope that made sense).

So in celebration of my newfound lack of self pity, I once again have been reenergized. So I began to peruse my collection of unread garden magazines. A spark ignited within me! Realization dawned on me that this year I would have the energy to actually spend time doing one of the things I love best: gardening...flower gardening.

I absolutely love flowers, most especially roses. Every year there has been some project that I would begin...some area of the yard to transform. But each and every year there has always been a draining of my desire to bring those ideas to completion.

Not this year!!! Thus, when I saw the picture of a Chaste Tree in Organic Gardener this month, my mouth began to salivate. You see, I have a beautiful Chaste Tree in the corner of my back yard. This flower bed happened to be small enough to complete without a vast amount of energy. Last year I just sowed some wildflower seeds and as you can see from the picture posted, it turned out beautifully!

So the gauntlet is being thrown down. I am in competition with myself to create a beautiful canvas in my own backyard. Let's see what a little challenge can motivate me to do in this small patch of heaven God has chosen to bless me with! God forgive me for my selfishness and hang on for the loam and compost ride of the century!

What a beautiul morning it is today. Cup of coffee, quiet house, sunshine through the windows and surrounded by books....one of the most peaceful things I know.

Poetry...I love poetry. It brings me so much joy!

"God made no act without a cause,
Nor heart without an aim,
Our inference is premature,
Our premises to blame." E. Dickson

Blame---why blame? And I have been so guilty of this sin. God forgive me, please?


To live life in anticipation;
and expectation that each
new breath is fresh, alive, anew and exciting;

To be thankful and
in constant mindfulness
that I live under grace;

To know that peace is a state of mind
I choose to hold next to my heart;

That is my desire
for every God given moment.

Inspired this morning by William Henry Channing:

"To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury, and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable, and wealthy, not rich; to study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly; to listen to stars and birds, to babes and sages, with open heart; to bear all cheerfully, do all bravely, await occasions, hurry never. In a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious, grow up through the common. This is to be my symphony."

The word that stood out from last night's post is "evolution". So, I looked it up and here is what I discovered....

1. the process of growth, development--(okay, I like that)

2. a process of gradual, peaceful, progressive change or development--(I like that better)

3. a motion incomplete in itself, but combining with coordinated motions to produce a single action--(I like that one pretty well too)

Evolution:

Today was another very hard day at work---BUT---I functioned well. The problem is (not that there always has to be a problem)---I feel I couldn't express myself poetically if I tried.

Which bothers me more?????

Certainly the latter!

So in spite of myself and with God's grace:

ONE DAY
dandelions

TWO DAYS
school

THREE DAYS
bras
boots
baptism

INFANT ONCE
aged forever

INNOCENT BEGINNING
wisdom released

EVOLUTION!

Not bad for one new day now gone. Goodnight God....oh and THANKS!!!

Acceptance

Tonight my brain feels like it's sinking in mud... pure sludge... I made mistakes at work. Actually, I made two mistakes at work-serious mistakes. I'm an ED nurse. That is not a good thing.

I'm having trouble driving home because I feel dizzy. You see, my medication that calms the aggressive side of me and evens out my moods at times makes me feel like I can't even force my brain to think. It is usually when I have a difficult, stressful day and exercise my brain (today it had a hard workout). So in order to offset this side effect, I take another medication. This one keeps me awake. Then I take another one........

Is there no end?

While working tonight, I almost cried. The thought crossed my mind that I would be better off if I stopped taking my medications. You see, I have always been a very good ED nurse. My therapist says that is because my illness allowed me to focus during a very stressful situation. I became like a machine. I rarely made mistakes... I never cried...

But the down side of not taking my medication is that my husband and family love the new me. I love the new me...at least when I'm not at work. But that has been my identity for so long....now what is my identity?

Okay....let me think this through....

First, I am a child of God.
Second, I am a wife.
Third, I am a mother
a grandmother, a friend

I have so much to be thankful for! So why do I feel so sad?

I suppose I just need to allow myself to grieve the loss of my professional identity. The problem is that has been my whole identity.

And if I have to change jobs---I know the Lord will provide.

Well, at least it should be exciting watching the new me evolve.

Dear Lord, please help me to accept where I am. May I use this time to learn acceptance of nonperfection. Forgive me for the impossible standards I have set in the past--those I live with and those I work with. Humility comes difficult for me, but I feel that is the moral of this story:

Acceptance

the battlefield

I read Bugs, Knights... blog from 3 days ago. The frustration she is feeling-my heart hurts so much for her and for her little knight. Never would I be so presumptuous as to think that I understand her torment but I do understand the feeling from the joy of being healed only to drop once again into the chasm of relapse. Then off to the doctor for an increase in medication. And the cycle repeats itself.

Where does it stop? Will the point be reached that no further help will be available and the joy once known is gone forever?

I console myself with the fact that I have finally learned to try to live in the moment. More and more I attempt to practice mindfulness. The sun is brighter, the child's smile is sweeter, my insight into my patients is deeper, even the sun on my face while sitting in traffic (my children will laugh considering my history of road rage).

Right now I am watching my grandson (my autistic grandson) set up a battlefield of Star Wars characters. His dialogue is intense and wonderful. For me, the battlefield is coping with the both of us being "abnormal". But watching his intensity and joy in simple plastic objects...his mindfulness...the way he cherishes the moment----then the thought occurs to me regarding little knight and my j bob...who is really abnormal? Maybe all children have a direct line to God and know when something is wrong in the spiritual realm. Maybe some have a more acute awareness!

I actually think all children have the gift of spiritual awareness. Only to mean that I had the same gift and somewhere, somehow--lost it. You know, while I was striving to be normal.

Just a thought.

There is always a dawn after the battle-just ask little knight and jb!

Frustration

The glimpse once seen,
The song once sung,
Is it now forever gone?

My God I cry
To you above.
For only You do hold---

The key that bids my
Heart come forth
And kneel among the stars.

Then greet the day
And shun the dark,
Forever to be sure…

That life will ever
Once again
My love of light to sing!

Until the day

of constant sun

And Thee forever dawn.