Snow Day

It's been a while since I last posted. Actually, I was drawn back to the blogger world by a friend's new blog site and couldn't resist glancing at my own.

It feels like it's been decades since I visited my old friend and yet somehow I feel younger.

Today is a blessing from God. Snowbound  due to work being closed (oh how I love this state job) and "forced" to sit here in my favorite room, in by favorite chair, doing my favorite thing-----nothing. Actually, I have filled the bird feeders and surrounded myself with books and laptop. Outside my window is a winter wonderland of downy quiet accented by cardinals, finches, sparrows and occasionally a woodpecker. I even saw a robin that was so fat it is a wonder he can fly. Heaven on earth for me. It would be perfect except for the fact that my husband is home and schools are closed.

You see, both my husband and my granddaughter are the type of personality that when given a moment of silence they feel the overwhelming need to fill it with music, words or television. When that no longer fulfills their needs, they insist on "doing something" which consists of dressing, driving (cursing traffic) and spending money. After which, I am filled with resentment because I am physically and emotionally exhausted and guilt ridden for wasting a day doing something I didn't want to do and spending money I didn't need to spend. But not wanting to be selfish, I usually try to negotiate for some alone time and then spend the rest of the day acquiescing.

As usual, after a cup of joe I insisted on some time alone in my sun room in order to gather my thoughts and spend some time with God. I closed the french doors but the glass allowed me to watch them begin to circle after about thirty  minutes. Feeling the tension rising in me, knowing what was to come.....I opened the doors. Both were perched beside me within seconds and demanding to know what I wanted to do. Since I usually respond with: "what do you guys want to do?"....they were both surprised when I replied with: "I'm doing it.". My husband gave me an indignant smirk and stated that before the end of the day he was going to "do something"-implying I was wasting a perfectly good day.  I replied with "do you think that reading a book and watching birds is doing nothing?". No response. My granddaughter started to cry because she wanted to go shopping and was sent to her room.

As it turns out, I am once again alone, except for my Yorkie, doing what I love best---nothing. My husband is soaking in the tub (with a magazine) and my granddaughter is in her room drawing.

Most amazing of all..........we all seem content.

Kudos Amy---let's visit the Keurig one more time.

why

What do I say lord???

What do I do???

How do I know…
If you know…
That I’m looking to you…?

Do you feel when I need you?

Do you know when I cry?

How dare I doubt you!!!!!!

Or even ask why!!!!!

But I do….

Rising from the Ashes

Meditating on His ways this morning. Some very hard roads have been traversed the last few weeks but I  feel so much healing taking place within me. My God is so good! I'm borrowing this song I found on "Devoted" blog. It pretty much sums up what I would like to say.

http://www.playlist.com/playlist/additem/728980497

I am so loving this fall. Time for the earth to get ready for bed. Pull the blanket of leaves and mulch over itself and prepare for a winter's nap.

What a year. Feels like it's been a decade. Looking over my yard I am amazed at how much I've been able to accomplish. And it all began with a child and a very unpleasant situation that forced me into counseling-which led to a diagnosis-which led to some very difficult days of adjusting medication- which led to torrents of emotions-which led to channeling energy into digging, planting, creating-which led to my sitting here in my world of peaceful contentment as I listen to the laughter of a child.

Thank You my most Heavenly Father! You have walked so close beside me this year and seen me through. Most days it was "just enough light for the step I'm on" as Beth Moore says. So very true! You have proven Yourself to me over and over again.

Venus Rising

rage, rape, rain
humid stifling guilt
strangled by confusion
shadows pulled over light
sheets drawn over hollow orbs

just orbs-not I's
clenched tight against the darkness
forced only by exhaustion
to face the dawn

slumping
...dragging
......crawling
..........stumbling
toward the only door i see

tap,tap,tapping

hope,hope,hoping

familyair face

slam,slam,slamming

hearing the cold beating clink of your lock
and the rusty slide of your chains
i shiver in dazed confusion

what form
of fear did you recognize
at your door
.....mine
.....his
.....yours

--------------------------------------------------------
eye see shells
held close they echo
the sound of waves......

waves begun by ages past......
birthed long before
the ripples of pain

i dentify
exoskeleton of survival
washed away by time
nurtured in the depths
caught up in a raging current
of storming need

i dentify
as my Venus rises from the sees
Grace dons
my shimmering robe
of Voice

finding my shore
i reach and open the door
My Door......
left open to feel the breeze
and the warmth
of the Son

cracking

cracking the shell of recognition
helplessly gasping
contents slide through grasping

......falling off the wall
......having a great fall
......unable to put together again

fragments
collide with gravity
sparking a flicker of
understanding





layers of years

no vision

just tears

knowing only the hurt

not the why

still i cry

my only friend pain

knows me well

i remain

no name

Temporary setback caused by some family confrontation. Not sure if I've done the right thing but then if I hadn't I would have spent the rest of my life wondering......what if?  I tell myself that people don't change. At least I can't and shouldn't expect others to change. But for myself, I hope that at least one person will remember me as someone who went down swinging trying to make my life and the lives I touch a better place to not just exist but enjoy. I'm sure I cause and inflict pain on some and for that I can only say I'm sorry. I do not harbor any malicious intent but occasionally need to exercise a little self defense. Truly--this day, this hour--my heart feels only love and good intentions for all those around me and affected by my life.

Surrender

"Whenever you turn your faith to your mind to manage, you always end up in a crisis of faith".

outside the box
is where i now sit
i'm wondering where
i shall put all my shit


outside the box
feels big and alone
or is it that boundries
are forever gone


outside the box
no horizons i see
no goals to be met
just dreams running free


outside the box
my faults i can't hide
or is that the point
there is no inside

Mag 30

Red....like fall....like daring.....like blood

Green....like new beginnings....like tranquil...like aged stone

combined in an orb
meant for digestion
imperfections obvious

oh the choices.....
to eat or not to eat?
that is the question

maybe sweet and crisp
maybe mushy
maybe a worm in the middle

take a bite of imperfection?
hoping---expecting
sweet and crisp
and juice running down my chin....

or spend a lifetime waiting...
...for perfection?
and possibly still find a worm...

a magpie tale

I'm hunting for rainbows
... they're under a rock

I'm hunting for sunshine
...someone's stuffed in a sock

I'm hunting for smiles
...they're deep in a well

I'm hunting for love
....only time will tell----

If rainbows
and sunshine
and smiles
and love

are really worth hunting

unless from above

Vision

KNOW (MY) LIFE'S VISION

From my devotional this morning:

"We are "called according to His purpose", not according to the need, or the fact that the door is open, or that our talent will be appreciated and well rewarded. Your vision must fulfill your God-ordained destiny, nothing else."

"The only thing worse that being blind, is having sight but no vision."  Helen Keller

Look within me---what moves me?
Look behind me---what are my life's experiences?
Look around me---who have I surrounded myself with?
Look ahead of me---where do I want to go? what do I want to accomplish?
Look beside me--what resources do I have readily available to me? what do I feed myself with?
Look above me---what is my Father's purpose for me today and the rest of my life?

mag 29

Breath held still against the wind

fearing a single breeze would

reveal the empty pane

that frames my hidden desire

to find

home

written for Magpie Tales

St. Teresa of Avila

"God alone is enough."

"Let nothing upset you,
let nothing startle you.
All things pass;
God does not change.
Patience wins
all it seeks.
Whoever has God
lacks nothing:
God alone is enough."

heaven?

what is the sound of heaven?

triumphant horns
or a breeze tossed chime

the laughter of a child
or maybe-
the whisper of love in your ear

a symphony of frogs
or-
silence-
on a black bordered, starlit night

i think it all of these
-and none

For Sheri

You never know how the smallest word of encouragement may turn someones day or even life in a totally different direction.

I have a blog friend, Sheri, who sent me several messages of encouragement.

There is an area outside my sun room that was recently destroyed by a storm. I had created a beautiful shade garden that was suddenly filled with afternoon sun. All the hard work of planting ferns, hostas and impatiens was ruined overnight. I was despairing about it one morning blog and Sheri responded with an understanding word of encouragement.

Probably without knowing how much her words affected me-I decided to make the most of the hand I'd been dealt. This new outlook spilled over into so many areas of both my garden and my life (much to the despair of my neighbor :) I busted up old stones that lined symmetrical borders. I also built a river bed--mostly dry but able to channel rain (or tears) when needed.

So I've been working hard to make the most of the area that means so much to me. I could ramble for paragraphs about what this experience has taught me...turning shade into sunshine....busting up established borders... But this post is about gratitude.

Right now I just want to dedicate my garden to Sheri.

entry to the garden

new path leading into garden

area outside my serenity room

(shaded now but soon to be filled with sun)

view from my serenity room

Thank You Sheri for being you!!

Mag 27

once sparkling and new-
the threads of our joints
moved and intertwined
freely....

joining one another
smoothly
without effort

creating a union
that was unique
to us alone

serving a purpose
that only we-
two parts joined as one-
could serve

but time and age
brought inevitable
deterioration

no longer able to
seperate without
one or both crumbling

a union once necessary
-now old
-no longer serving the grander purpose
possibly forgotten

except by us

for Magpie Tales

Acceptance

I opened my eyes this morning and the demon of depression was perched at the foot of my bed...I knew he would be there....even clamping my eyelids shut and turning the other direction did not outwit him. He is quick and stealthy....always able to anticipate my every move....and thought.....

"if only they loved me"...."what is it about me that caused them so much disappointment?" he whispered in my ear............

a song suddenly appeared out of the shadows of my mind-
"All we need is love....da,da,da,da,dah.....All we need is love"

"NO!" a voice within me responded--"ALL WE NEED IS ACCEPTANCE".

LOVE HAS BEEN CHEAPENED AND DISGUISED.....I LOVE LOTS OF PEOPLE....BUT I STILL SIT IN JUDGEMENT OF THEIR ACTIONS, LIVES AND BELIEFS.

Acceptance.......i wanted to write a poem about acceptance.
 
Forcing myself out of bed and grabbing a cup of coffee, I headed to the sunroom with journal and pen in hand. As I searched for a fresh, clean page to unload my thoughts...I reread some of my writings over the last few weeks. I've been reading a book called "Entering the Castle". The most recent chapter has been on spiritual graces that we need to meditate on and develop.  The list consists of: compassion, harmony, wisdom, love, endurance, humor, patience, healing and vision.

I reread my own writings: 

vision-the "acceptance: of circumstances before everything works out for the best"
harmony-"accept what I have now"
healing-"acceptance of myself with all my flaws...allow things to flow through me. I don't have to evaluate everything--nor am I responsible"
endurance-"coming together with harmony, vision and healing...planting my feet/heart firmly on the rock of Jesus Christ--the giver of all....the Lord of creation".

Looking up I notice the demon is gone.......I accept this gift......no exceptions! 

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         familyAir

Window Lickin'

Recently I decided to allow myself some emotional freedom...sort of a "think outside the box" approach....

My new approach to life has manifested itself mostly in my yard.

I dug up all the symmetrical paving stones that defined the borders of the beds. I smashed some, turned some on their side and placed some upside down---trying to achieve a "crumbled foundation" look.

I love it but evidently my neighbor does not. He's one of those guys whose shrubs are all perfectly rounded, trimmed and evenly matched.

Yesterday I discovered that he had rearranged my stones back into their original symmetrical fashion. At first I was angry but I decided to just rescatter them in my very askew fashion. Then I sat back to watch his response as he arrived home.

Priceless!!!!

He actually came up to me and said my new bed "looks like somebody just dumped some rocks and left them". I  thanked him and told him that was the look I was trying to achieve.

As he walked away, I sat back down to enjoy my creation and realized this new outlook on life may seem a little crazy to some.

Then it came to me....


"I'm window lickin' on the short bus of life"

the glass is cool 
the sensation on my tongue
ignites a feeling within me
that i long to explore

the bus is yellow---like the sun

my destination is unknown
but.....i don't care

i'm enjoying the ride