i sit behind the blind
and watch as you try to
pick up your toy while
you lean over the hammock

braids askew
sun dress pulled down to your waist
in an attempt to make
"a long skirt"

you left your Chai Linn hat
in your cubby
so i made you "a princess hat"
by pinning costume jewelry
to an old hiking hat

you are a princess

you lean and fall

it just takes once

that was all it took for
you to know
how to balance yourself

5 years old and so wise

mama made bad choices
daddy made bad choices

i hope i made a good one


you've been with me since age 2

i bought your first big girl bed
potty trained you

bought your first pair of panties
took pictures of the first day at "school"

held you when you had bad dreams
lugged you back and forth to therapy

rode with you in the ambulance
when croup was taking your breath

watched you go from "Blues Clues"
to "Barbie"

listened as you disclosed your first kiss
and chose your first boyfriend

sat by as you swallowed
the first piece of gum

it only took once

the first vacation--
Perdido Beach Alabama

you followed Gipa
across the sand

picking up every remnant of
sea shell you could find

Christmas programs
santa on the roof
club houses and secrets
planting the first seed
and watching the sunflower grow

cousins and giggles
inflatable beds and movies

bubbles to braids
the proper lip shade for your age
Clear!

learning the names of my roses
watering the plants
picking the first carrot and
making cookies

now, mama is making good choices

my heart strangles me and

i hope i made a good one

just like everything else in my life
i was a late bloomer
when it came to riding a bike

i preferred the safety
of my little sister's tricycle
and the steadiness of three wheels

the twins, ricky and ronnie,
(the bully monsters that everyone had
in their neighborhood) made fun

i had a crush on ricky, he
was the CUTE one

and he rode a bike past my
house every day

so i mounted my steed
and pedaled my way across
the lawn

initially, my motions were jerky
but soon i was maneuvering
and turning with ease

my confidence grew

the next morning i
couldn't wait to ride past
the twins house

my heart almost choked me
when i noticed ricky in the front yard

he laughed

i held my head high
as my heart hit the banana seat

but i rode on up the hill
and enjoyed the breeze in my hair
and the sun on my face

and i still ride a bike

drops of rain tickle the soft wind admonishing my roses to unveil fresh petals of memories that bring treasures into my life

Saturday Coffee

I sit here in my robe-
late-- on a Saturday morning
raindrops are hurling themselves at my window
and thunder is filling the air

I love it!
Bring on the storms--
the nitrogen that fills the air
will coax my roses to open
and sing for me

Coffee in hand
and the kitchen a wreck
I am so content sitting here
reading my fellow bloggers:

perspectives on life
a great story
a poem that humbles my soul
the sadness of a broken heart
the struggle to raise children
...and the joy of looking into their eyes...
...the awakening of their minds
the success of a good run
beautiful pictures

All in All

Life is so good!

May God bless this
wonderful nation of ours
and may He always grant us the
freedom to have a
day of peace and
blogging!

Blood drawn
from the surface
of truth

once known

now gone

Staff of life...
light-

strikes
the shell of
what WAS.

tomorrows
and todays
----gone...

yesterday
was
LIFE----

now gone

Staff of Life

Revive!!

Cycles of Life -
spring,
summer,
Fallen into
winter--- that begins the

Sequence of Change-
sighs,
sleepless nights,
cries of
Acceptance of...

The Seasons of Age-
crawl,
walk,
run
Kneel to the...

Succession of Days-
dawn,
day,
dusk and
then Night becomes...

Birth of Knowledge
innocence,
afraid,
wisdom,
Appreciation of...

Cycles of Life

However mean your life is, meet it and live it; do not shun it and call it hard names. It is not so bad as you are. It looks poorest when you are richest. The fault-finder will find faults even in Paradise. Love your life. Thoreau

Thanks

Thank you God for today!!!!!!

where does trust go
when it runs away?

will it come back to see me?
will it still want to play?

and
tickle
my heart
like it did yesterday...

where does trust go
when it runs away?

where does my heart
lay it's head
when it sleeps?

when
the
work is
too hard
and my needs it can't meet...

where does my heart
lay it's head
when it sleeps?

where does love drink
when the thirst is all gone?

when it's dry
and confused
and the will
won't return...

where does love drink
when the thirst is all gone?

where does the sun go
when it's shine goes away?

i know it's not sleeping-
the stars will all say...

it's warming
another
whose life needs
the day.

but it will
return when
it's ready
to play.

that's where the sun goes
when it's shine goes away!

Today I had a glimpse into the future.

Three sons...

Last night they brought their mother to the emergency room with difficulty breathing...she had a pulmonary embolism ( a potentially lethal clot in her lung). She was admitted.

Today...

They brought their father in---confused and combative---totally out of the ordinary. We in the emergency department could not figure out what was causing the confusion--in spite of hours of attempts. In the mean time, his blood pressure dropped, his confusion got worse and the end result was--he was admitted to the ICU.

Three sons...
smiled and were complete gentlemen...while we poked, prodded and violated their father.

Three sons...
confusion on their face because we could not provide the answers they needed to hear.

Three sons...
masking their distrust...

Three sons....
obviously raised by two people with character, integrity and dignity.

Three sons...
on the verge of loosing both at the same time.

How would I have responded?

How will I respond?

How should one respond?

God, please have mercy on this most precious family? Amen

I'm hugging the prayers of those I would never have known except for this medium. Thank You Lord for the many blessings You send my way each and every day! You are great beyond comparison and i am so blessed to have you as my Father, Saviour and King!

I'm never really sure how to include the Holy Spirit in my prayers. i suppose it is that Spirit that allows me to have a voice of praise....so thank You most Holy of Spirits for giving voice to my praise!

Thank you for Devoted and her gift of prayer, granolachic for her devotion to relationships, and Bugs for just being Bugs to her family and mine..... Please bless Waystation and may he feel the healing within his body and soul. And Lord...for Escapist....please meet the needs of her most precious and individual soul. Solar P is one of a kind and I ask for many blessings on that family.

Betsy and her 5 men are so special and I ask a kind Look and Nod from You.

May I use this time to glorify Your name. i ask Your intervention in my spiritual, physical and work families. Please forgive my short comings, esp. at work.

Please bless my marriage and all marriages in these most difficult of times?!?

Oh God, YOU ARE SOOO GOOD!!!

and Thank You for the pictures of m. geistweite and his prowess behind a camera.

Found a new photographer today. His name is Mark Geistweite. His nature photos are phenomonal. The one posted is called "Gold on Them Thar Hills". I absolutely love it.

I felt so inspired to just get out and be among nature and it's beauty.

Today has been a great day. I can't wait to see what my newfound energy will create in my yard this year. So often I have wished for the ability to paint or to be able to sing. Maybe, just maybe, I can create something with my hands and some dirt that will do both. The sounds and colors of nature are my favorites anyway.

Beautiful day
---may I breathe you in deeply
---to the roots of my soul.

Spirit of breeze
---inhale the peace and sunshine
---that wrap around my life

---like a soft blanket of joy.

Spring!

STARTING OVER (REVISED)

ALONE AMONG OTHERS---
WORDS.... SPOKEN....
----NOT MY OWN

LIFE PASSES BY.....
--UNSEEN
--UNHEARD
--UNKNOWN

MY HEART BROKE ONCE
AND AGAIN----AND AGAIN

---THEN LIGHT ENTERED
--- AND NURTURED THE SOIL OF MY SOUL

HOPE STOLE MY HEART ONCE
---AND AGAIN AND AGAIN

BUT THEN
---PROVIDENCE REIGNED!

---ON THAT SOIL OF MY SOUL

WAIT.......

A VOICE WHISPERS......

WHOSE VOICE?

HOW COULD I KNOW?

--NEVER BEEN............... SPOKEN
--NEVER BEEN...................... HEARD
--NEVER BEEN............................TRUE

WHOSE VOICE?

MY OWN

thank you Lord for my diagnosis.

thank you for Light and Love and Forgiveness.

may i use the newfound treasures to glorify Your name somehow, someway...even if i am unaware of my actions.

thank you for bugs, knights and turkeys!

thank you for E.Dickinson:

---"If I can stop one heart from breaking,
----I shall not live in vain;
----If I can ease one life the aching,
----Or cool one pain,
----Or help one fainting robin
----Unto his nest again,
----I shall not live in vain." #VI

okay one more and then i'll stop

--"I had no time to hate, because
--The grave would hinder me,
--And life was not so ample I
--Could finish enmity.

--Nor had I time to love; but since
--Some industry must be,
--The little toil of love, I thought,
--Was large enough for me." #XVII

I wonder what percentage of individuals wake up one morning and realize that they have never heard their own voice (there is a poem in there but I can't find it right now....)

This could possibly be political, professional, spiritual or personal.

Suddenly I feel as though I have lived my life for others.

That includes God and I believe I should live for God....but is it my God or someone's interpretation of God?

Certainly I believe in God--Jehovah God--the One and Only God. And I believe in Christ as my Saviour.

I believe that everything is subject to one's interpretation. But are we going to be held accountable for the origin of our interpretation?

And my political, professional and personal lives....are they what I want or what someone, somewhere told me I need?

Suddenly I feel as though I've emerged from a shell...like a plant opening from a seed. I wrote a poem about that once. It must have been prophetic.

I know I have a strong personality-otherwise I would never have survived so much abuse in the past.

But who am I now? What do I really want to say? How do I want to live what little life I may have left?

Whatever is before me............I am tingling with anticipation!!!!!

photo: floriana barbu

right now i am just loving the way blogging allows a glimpse into the lives of others. viewing intimacies of those mostly unknown to me through this wonderful medium. sometimes, i find myself driving down the road and i see a light on in someones house. i begin to wonder what was going on in that particular home at that particular moment.......are those unknown to me happy, sad, angry or content? are they hungry or enjoying a feast? how does their family interact? is it loving, kind, giving or is there strife?

blogging allows that sense of voyeurism in me to be satisfied and i find it fascinating.

today i glimpsed the wonders of children of all ages... a mother who must be beside herself with fear for her grown child's life while he serves our country on the other side of the world... a mother homeschooling her children and teaching them the joys of nature. i peered into the minds of mothers who have children with autism who find the smallest gestures joyful. i read the words of mothers and fathers who are so gentle, kind and generous! i am able to read poems written from the hearts of those across the country and across the world. i'm allowed an intimate view into and from many people i probably will never meet and i think.....how WONDERFUL! i'm so thankful to you all and blessed by your sharing of yourselves and your families.

photo: "serenade" by melina galchina

Evie

My granddaughter cried herself to sleep tonight because she missed her mother.

Mother is in rehab.

At one time, I thought mother was a demon straight from hell. Then God spoke and brought me to my knees and gave her to me as a soul that needed to be saved from her own demons.

"Oh God, don't I have enough to deal with already?"
"No child, not yet!".....(whining/moaning/self-pity)

A card came in the mail the other day.

Mother is encouraging her child to lean on God. Mother is encouraging her child to pray when she is happy or sad. Mother is encouraging her child!

Mother is now a believer...
and so am I!

Inconsolable tears

cried from

deep

within

a void created

by birth.

hope...begins with

a spark

Wait...what apparition,

doubt or demon

comes to steal

that most dear?

hope...

held captive deep within

the created

hope...

sent from the creator

the omnipotent

the loving

the wounded

possessed of heart

familiar with the

brokenness

yet filled with

the love that

fans the flame

that starts

with

a

spark

photo: Sandris Grivins

Tonight I don't want to be me. I just want to be someone who is never noticed. I want to blend. Why is that so difficult for me?

My medication isn't working. I read that 50% of all Cyclothymic Disorders progress to Bipolar I or II. Please dear God don't let that be me!!!

And yet, I am the child. All I can do is trust!

Father, may I climb in Your lap tonight? Please?


Only...........

IN SILENCE…
am I able to hear.

IN LONELINESS…
am I near.

IN BROKENESS…
am I made whole.

IN SUBMISSION…
am I led.

IN SURRENDER…

I AM

............Only!

photo: "Isolation" by Ilona Wellman

What DO I say tonight? What Font, What size, italics or bold, to indent or not indent, centered or right sided..................What?


WHO GIVES A FLYING FLIP???????


My children, my offspring, my begotten, my loves....the ones who have always been there--whether it was a mouth to feed or a smile to be cherished--the ones who looked to me for sustenance, acceptance and confirmation that they had worth---both finished their first half-marathon.


That may not sound like much to you but, if not, well, I can only assume you never ran 13.1 miles... ah hump....without stopping.

Now I must say, I have two of the most amazing kids on earth anyway. They both have more personality in their smallest toenail than most people can muster in a lifetime. Nevermind that they have overcome my addictions and the fact that I kept them in an abusive relationship for over a decade. Let me take that back....how could I have the nerve to say "nevermind" to something like that. MIND!!! MIND!!! They MINDED. But they OVERCAME because that is what my awesome children do---they overcome.


MIND the fact that my daughter was abused and is now the most awesome mother and wife that I know! She has friends that are truly---rare and genuine treasures---because she is a rare and genuine treasure. She is able to give of herself like Christ intended us all to give. And she does it without hesitation--to anyone in need.


MIND that my son who was also abused is one of the most respectable individuals I know--especially among men! In spite of the example he grew up with, he came away from the relationship knowing exactly what kind of man he did NOT want to be. Not only did he overcome the example set for him, but he exudes the kind of man God wants him to be.

Do I take credit in this or do I take blame?

My flesh wants to roll around and gloat! My flesh says that they are just the cloth from which they were cut. My flesh......yes, my flesh. My flest is convicted and humbled. If I speak of humility is it genuine?

My flesh comes from my parents. Yes, my parents.... My parents....


You know, the bible banging, antipsychology- i can't tell them my diagnosis----parents. Yes--my parents are the ones I must give credit at this time.


There are some values that are deep within the substance of my genetics that have somehow surfaced from within my offspring.....and I can say most wholeheartedly.....Thanks Mom and Thanks Dad! Any credit i take only comes from your instillation of His Holy Spirit. And that is something you both did well!


So-


Give unto
the ones you love
the best you have
right now.


Plant a seed
and it will grow.
Just know that
God is near.


The vine
that only You
can sow--
is all that
needs to
rise.


And tender leaves
look toward the Son-
the gift of
Life is grown.



My dearest Lord, have mercy on all parents and help us to know the precious gift(s) You have given. Forgive those who forsake the gift and help us to avail ourselves to You to help shine a light and give hope to the little ones who have been forsaken.