Thursday, March 31, 2011

bask: to lie in or be exposed to a pleasant warmth

I really long to write something this morning. Up at 3:30---age has a way of waking me with pain. But the battle is won by me because I have found that rising early gives me the time I desperately need to connect with the source of life and pain. In that source is healing. A good cup of coffee helps tremendously too.

I'm out of a job. Staying at home and doing what I love--creating a home and attempting to build a family that is strong and connected to the Giver of life. For the first time in my life I feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be and doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Finances are desperate but my relationship with my granddaughter has blossomed beyond anything I could have imagined. God has brought others into my life and my heart that I would never before have allowed to get anywhere near my heart.

All children--broken children. They may be adults now but at one time they were all broken and forsaken children. Much like my own children. Maybe this is a do-over. If so Lord-give me guidance, wisdom and strength.

For so many years I resented having to care for someone carry the burden of responsibility. Now that I've been freed of my self-imposed codependent obligations of the modern day superwoman---I am overcome with a desire to help and care for those whom God has put in my life that are in need. I really do love to care for those in need.

But there is one child who is not a child. My stepson.....a precious soul who is tortured with anger and self-loathing manifested by a demon in the form of alcohol. The nurturer in me cries out and longs to mother him---but he is now a man.....a father......and I am raising his daughter. I believe in the circles of life----this one has a few gaps. At the very least, some disfigurations that prevent an orbital path that produces fruitful seasons of growth.

He is the seed that didn't sprout in season. The seed that lies dormant.

So I lift this precious life before You oh my Father. Please give him back the years the locust have eaten. Please demonstrate Your wonder and love to him in a way that he can not deny or turn away from.

from warmth
into cold

first growing
then old

from naked
then wrapped
and bound tight

cry of fear.........

not a season...
not a reason....
no sight

first soiling
....then toiling
days fade then

slow sinking
like cole
tortured soul

gripped by need
for the dawn
.....darkness stays on

hope dims
as need


tiny hopes
seeking Sun

into pools of poison
and lies


and exposed
by nature

but eruption
breaks earth and
finds Sun

finding One

who created the seed
......the longing
.....the need

to bask in the warmth
of the Sun

to Bask in the Warmth
of the Son

erupt SON

break the ground
bend the knee


Tuesday, March 1, 2011


World English Dictionary
arc (ɑːk)
— n
2. part of an unbroken curved line
4. astronomy a circular section of the apparent path of a celestial body

To say "life is a journey" or "life is a circle" may be considered cliche. But so might be "I AM". One either gets it or one doesn't.

My life is a journey. At times focused and moving toward the goal or destination. It saddens me to say that most of my time has been spent wandering in the desert. God has been watching over me and providing for me but I haven't been trusting Him or following Him. I am happy to say that He has gotten my attention.

Over the last few months, I took time off, focused on my Lord, prayed to be consumed and drew nearer to Him than I ever thought possible while in a fleshly form.

Then I found the "perfect" job. I loved it! I praised God for it. Then I was fired. Yep---terminated---escorted to my desk, gathered up all my belongings in front of coworkers who wouldn't look away from their computers and escorted to my car.

Of course I was an innocent victim and as such I dedicated several days and weeks in seeking exoneration and justice. I recoiled in depression and lashed out in anger. I knew that God had led me to that position--never did I doubt Him. I still don't.

He has brought me even closer. My finances are a nightmare. My home may be in foreclosure. My marriage almost crashed and burned. I spiraled and then landed right in my own home. He brought me home.

My relationship with my granddaughter has flourished. I have been terminated as the "controller" of my home and family. I am learning my rightful place as a child of God, a wife and the caretaker of a treasured gift given me in the form of a child.

Child---that is where I am now. While trying to exonerate myself, I went on a search that took me to the bowels of hell on this planet. True stories of children who have been murdered and abused while in the care of our government. I was furious and wanted to expose every individual and agency involved in these horrendous acts of neglect and abuse.

Then I was humbled. The target of my finger pointing was a moving target. At least they were moving-or trying to do something. I stood in judgement but what was my solution?

If anyone should happen to read this, I ask for your prayers. I've always heard the word "calling" and nodded in understanding. But did I believe? Was I making trifle agreement of the hand of God moving in/on this earth?

Life is a journey gifted to us by the I AM. And it is a circle because He was present when life was breathed into me and He will be present when I breathe my last.

Every day, I am an arc.