Saturday, November 26, 2011

Do I Believe in Destiny?

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I am working night shifts now and living with my brother. So I've been able to partake of some much longed for reading. Tonight's stroll began with "The Mentor Book of Major American Poets" by Williams and Honig. Self control has been a struggle (as usual for me) because I wanted to post and share so many works by so many greats. Unable to choose and hungry for more, I just kept turning pages.



(John P. Altgeld. Born december 30, 1847; died March 12, 1902)

Sleep softly ... eagle forgotten ... under the stone.
Time has its way with you there, and the clay has its own.

"We have buried him now," thought your foes, and in secret rejoiced.
They made a brave show of their mourning, their hatred unvoiced.
They had snarled at you, barked at you, foamed at you, day after day.
Now you were ended. They praised you ... and laid you away.

The others, that mourned you in silence and terror and truth,
The window bereft of her crust, and the boy without youth,
The mocked and the scorned and the sounded, the lame and the poor,
That should have remembered forever, ... Remember no more.

Where are those lovers of yours, on what name do they call,
The lost, that in armies wept over your funeral pall?
They call on the names of a hundred high-valiant ones,
A hundred white eagles have risen, the sons of your sons,
The zeal in their wings is a zeal that your dreaming began.
The valor that wore out your soul in the service of man.

Sleep softly ... eagle forgotten... under the stone.
Time has its way with you there, and the clay has its own.
Sleep on, O brave-hearted, O wise man that kindled the flame --
To live in mankind is far more than to live in a name,
To live in mankind, far, far more than ... to live in a name

These words just evoked so much emotion within me......
Is it because I am a child of the 60s?
civil right, labor laws, women's rights, (i often said that a divorced, white female with children who tried to make a living in the 80s was the most discriminated against individual on earth---i can still make a good argument for that one), sexual freedom, affirmative actions, EEO, race vs color.........

and I'm 51, fired from Arkansas' Medicaid DHS Program Integrity Division on January 25, 2011

I was a newly created position
hired by the State of Arkansas
because the Feds said so!!!! investigate waste, fraud and abuse.....

I was so excited
......then I got really excited
because I found "IT"

but it was being committed by DHS-----and those who were profitting from DHS

me and my "gotta do my job" attitude
........we........i........pointed it out
and got fired 9 days later
for "unprofessional conduct"
//////////////cuz I walked away from my supervisor//////who had done as she was told
         stripped me of all access to anything--actually had me reviewing dental charts
----you can't review a dental chart unless you track down both the tooth and the patient and make sure they ain't connected------not exactly a great use of taxpayor dollars----but just the kind of thing government feels is important

"unprofessional conduct"-------barred from rehire------Class A offense----you know kinda like assaulting a coworker, brandishing a firearm or sexual harrassment

i walked away from my supervisor because i was crying and didn't want to do it publicly---you know how those work place cubicles are when it comes to privacy-----and i was having to stand outside her cube space while she stripped me of my dignity--------took my 31 years of nursing experience and made me look for rotten teeth

unattached rotten teeth my pride got a little see I was used to actually doing something useful for a living...........what was i thinkin????????when i passed that mission statement every morning, the one that mentioned caring for" the poor and the needy",,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, for some reason,,,,,,,,,,,,i,,,,,thought,,,,,,they,,,,,meant,,,,,,,,that,,,,,,,,,they,,,,,,,,really,,,,,,,,,,,,cared

"The others, that mourned you in silence and terror and truth,
The window bereft of her crust, and the boy without youth,
The mocked and the scorned and the sounded, the lame and the poor,
That should have remembered forever, ... Remember no more."

the same ones who since the beginning of time have exploited whoever allowed exploitation
------slave, indentured, civil, female, gay,crippled, weak----------and the one that makes me grit my teeth and salivate:
----------a parent--------who needs that job---------,,,,,,,,they,they,they,,,,,,, really know how to exploit that one,,,,,,,,,,


"Sleep softly ... eagle forgotten ... under the stone.
Time has its way with you there, and the clay has its own."

ALTGELD------ i didnt know who he was, so i looked him up. can't say i agree with all his politics but i sure do agree with his principle................and pardoning men for murders they obviously didn't commit............i feel is pretty solid principle. HAYMARKET AFFAIR ---May 4, 1886.
my birthday is may41960.  there's been a lot emotion, friction, application of principle in action---- on that particular day, may4, pick a year----lot's of years subsequent to the 1886 year-----

it's 6am and i need to go to sleep but not before i mention
another influence on me tonight when
it comes to
standing up for what's right
in a way that isn't influenced by power or money

please read about "Wickpedia"-------- because knowledge is power and so little of what we are being fed is pure

i'm gonna see what they-Wickpedia-have to say about Vachel Lindsay

good night

Saturday, November 5, 2011

My Fall Shall End

i seem to get stuck on certain words or sounds or concepts. so often i speak of seasons. maybe that is the gardener in me---the part of me that loves to watch my little patch of earth change and grow and die and grow again. i do love to nurture things. quite probably why i find myself in so many situations that i have no business being involved in. or why i am a nurse and.....why i don't want to be a nurse. frustration comes so easy for me when i see/meet someone or something that needs help/fixin' as we southerners say.

today, i am sitting on the bed in my older brother's spare bedroom. i haven't been to his house in over 15 years. we were born 16 months apart. i can't remember spending any real time with him since 1981. i was 21. i happened to find myself in searcy, arkansas.  seperated from my husband, two children under the age of four, broke..... broken.......

nov 5, 2011
51 years old, broke, children on my hip....several in my heart

life in season

when blessed with 
a spiritual season of joy
a financial season of plenty
an emotional season of peace

i hold it at a distance
 fearing it's loss

a constant
throughout life

it's been painted as a sadness

it causes me to lock myself
inside myself
fearing if i believe it meant
for me

i wouldn't dare

whatever blessing is bringing
me joy at the moment coming to an end

but nature in season

all seasons end

is that sad or frightening?
or cause to doubt the sweet breeze
that lifts my hair
and my spirit?

did God play me false
when He displayed the
colors of fall before me today?

i accept each season's end

my flesh knows
to actually prepare
for the change that is
as constant as sunrise

should the earth shift
should i be
perpetually bathed in
my beloved Fall

what of those on the other side of the earth

knowing change must come the return of
the Lord of Hosts

shall i dread or lament the end
of this current season
in my spirit
my soul

or shall i anticipate
and prepare
for the next
...........with all its difficulties
...........with all its blessings and joys

shall i curl up and despair
the shedding of leaves

or stand in their midst
breathe in the promise
.....a promise
.....His Promise
.....dare i think He lied

i know
each cycle demands an end

i know
the cycle will continue
until Heaven engulfs earth

i know!

so bring on the rain
snow and cold

His Kingdom comes
His will is done
on earth as it is in Heaven

Oh Lord of Hosts
    rein me in
  rain on me
Reign in me

Your will