Friday, July 15, 2011

the distant sound of laughter

lay sleeping in my dreams
the song a childhood memory
long buried in the sands

aroused by my desire to hear
the long forgot refrain--
i forced a smile upon my lips
but only could pretend

still feigning harmony with life
but crying deep within
the old familiar words i mouthed
could not enlighten heart

then slowly did i recognize
a treasure from the past
the sound was not another's voice--
this melody

was mine

Thursday, July 14, 2011


consummate intimacy occurs

when no words are spoken

flesh does not participate


only complete understanding
of intentions and desires


shared in a thought

followed by a breath

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

been   /bɪn/ Show Spelled[bin] Show IPA


past participle of be.

Sunday, July 10, 2011



it's been a long time.

as usual, the need to release emotions draws me to this site

my original agenda was halted when i read my own words
written months ago
emotional decades

i like my writings....
as a matter of fact, i think "tortured soul" is a really good piece
.......smug smiles

i'm entering my red hat era

i like my era
as a matter of fact, i think "red had" is a really good era
(not sure of the exact definition of "era" but it's more than a decade so i guess i'm being a positive thinker)
.........smug smiles

speaking of eras
the reason i reentered this old, familiar spot....
has to do with my work
31 years of being a nurse
has it changed!

i find myself telling stories to all the youngsters (anyone who has less than a decade of experience)
i always start with......"i know i'm getting old and you guys don't want to hear this, but......"
and so the story begins. or stories. and more stories.

tonight i realized that one of my favorite tales concerns my training


those were modern times
women wore spandex (so did men) and flash danced under disco balls

but in my world, the world of nursing,

we wore white hats---starched white hats----stiffly starched white hats
SAS shoes----white SAS shoes-----freshly polished, white SAS shoes

no hair on the collar
limited make-up
patrolled by "old women"---some with facial hair

white uniforms. dresses mostly. except for the occasional slacks that had to be worn with a tunic. it had to touch your knees. the tunic that is.

each time the hirsutistic proctor walked our way our bodies shrunk just a bit.

i told those tales as. a time of hardship. this is what it was like when i was young. i may not have walked 10 miles to school. but i didn't think of reporting to school/work without polishing my shoes. or ironing my uniform the night before. least.....if the thought crossed my was a rebellious transient kind of thought. more like a wish or a dream.

tonight it dawned on me (dawn as the sun coming up. after a very long night. dawn. as the birds begin to know. the first bird you hear. when you've been up all night. you just want to sleep at least one hour before beginning again. then the bird sings.) i could never resent a morning birdsong

dawned on me that i now tell those stories with pride.

if only.....

if only the freakish bearded woman would show up and
take all the cell phones away

make rounds on the patients
and scathe any nurse who was in a position other than walking motion. whose patient needed to be cleaned. needed to be turned----WHAT---a bedsore. no. not even a bedsore---a reddened area that could lead to a bedsore.

patients were bathed (by nurses), sheets were changed (by nurses), trash was removed (by nurses)--no leftover trays of food, no patient waiting to be fed, no pitcher without ICE and fresh agua (unfiltered) but very fresh

my first position
i was an operating room nurse. a lpn. a scrub. her name was ALICE WILLIAMS. she had the reputation of being the biggest bitch in the hospital (all OR supervisors were that way. job requirements) and they had to be because being supervisor of an OR meant. your reputation as a person was gauged by the weights and meters of  "sterile environment".

im sure newbies think i am embellishing my story. when i say. she would randomly culture areas of the operating rooms. she sent them to the lab. to see if an ORGANISM grew.
if the big O was found. everyone stayed late. everything was scrubbed. everything.

i hated her then.
i pray for her resurrection now.
if only.
if only our profession.
if only it was rare
for me to start a shift
with a patient who was. who felt that.
they had. a good nurse.
if only
i could end a shift
with a patient who
felt that. he. she. they. had. a. good. no. great. nurse.

if only. that wasn't.

i long for
i miss