eclipsed

i want to document an interaction between my daughter and me
she is quite an accomplished poet
she is also a mother of two
and very busy
so...tonight, we texted

she mentioned tears rolling down her face
i mentioned placing a jar outside in the rain
to catch......what i wanted to represent....her tears

her words:

they are probably equal. love and pray you have a safe trip. ready for happiness to eclipse you.

my thoughts------eclipse??????
so--she wrote a line
then-i wrote a line

"eclipse"

he clips
the pain from my heart
the silhoutte remains
burned deep within my soul
a cherished though charred remain
serves as a reminder of what's to come
the silhoutte of hope
your shadow of promise...
yet-----promise still
a reflection of love?
that can not be eclipsed!

Do I Believe in Destiny?

I am working night shifts now and living with my brother. So I've been able to partake of some much longed for reading. Tonight's stroll began with "The Mentor Book of Major American Poets" by Williams and Honig. Self control has been a struggle (as usual for me) because I wanted to post and share so many works by so many greats. Unable to choose and hungry for more, I just kept turning pages.

Then--

THE EAGLE THAT IS FORGOTTEN- Vachel Lindsay

(John P. Altgeld. Born december 30, 1847; died March 12, 1902)

Sleep softly ... eagle forgotten ... under the stone.
Time has its way with you there, and the clay has its own.

"We have buried him now," thought your foes, and in secret rejoiced.
They made a brave show of their mourning, their hatred unvoiced.
They had snarled at you, barked at you, foamed at you, day after day.
Now you were ended. They praised you ... and laid you away.

The others, that mourned you in silence and terror and truth,
The window bereft of her crust, and the boy without youth,
The mocked and the scorned and the sounded, the lame and the poor,
That should have remembered forever, ... Remember no more.

Where are those lovers of yours, on what name do they call,
The lost, that in armies wept over your funeral pall?
They call on the names of a hundred high-valiant ones,
A hundred white eagles have risen, the sons of your sons,
The zeal in their wings is a zeal that your dreaming began.
The valor that wore out your soul in the service of man.

Sleep softly ... eagle forgotten... under the stone.
Time has its way with you there, and the clay has its own.
Sleep on, O brave-hearted, O wise man that kindled the flame --
To live in mankind is far more than to live in a name,
To live in mankind, far, far more than ... to live in a name

These words just evoked so much emotion within me......
Is it because I am a child of the 60s?
civil right, labor laws, women's rights, (i often said that a divorced, white female with children who tried to make a living in the 80s was the most discriminated against individual on earth---i can still make a good argument for that one), sexual freedom, affirmative actions, EEO, race vs color.........

and I'm 51, fired from Arkansas' Medicaid DHS Program Integrity Division on January 25, 2011

I was a newly created position
superuser
hired by the State of Arkansas
because the Feds said so!!!!
....to investigate waste, fraud and abuse.....

I was so excited
......then I got really excited
because I found "IT"
.......FRAUD

but it was being committed by DHS-----and those who were profitting from DHS

me and my "gotta do my job" attitude
........we........i........pointed it out
and got fired 9 days later
for "unprofessional conduct"
//////////////cuz I walked away from my supervisor//////who had done as she was told

         stripped me of all access to anything--actually had me reviewing dental charts

----you can't review a dental chart unless you track down both the tooth and the patient and make sure they ain't connected------not exactly a great use of taxpayor dollars----but just the kind of thing government feels is important

"unprofessional conduct"-------barred from rehire------Class A offense----you know kinda like assaulting a coworker, brandishing a firearm or sexual harrassment

i walked away from my supervisor because i was crying and didn't want to do it publicly---you know how those work place cubicles are when it comes to privacy-----and i was having to stand outside her cube space while she stripped me of my dignity--------took my 31 years of nursing experience and made me look for rotten teeth

unattached rotten teeth

.........so my pride got a little wounded.......you see I was used to actually doing something useful for a living...........what was i thinkin????????when i passed that mission statement every morning, the one that mentioned caring for" the poor and the needy",,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, for some reason,,,,,,,,,,,,i,,,,,thought,,,,,,they,,,,,meant,,,,,,,,that,,,,,,,,,they,,,,,,,,really,,,,,,,,,,,,cared

"The others, that mourned you in silence and terror and truth,
The window bereft of her crust, and the boy without youth,
The mocked and the scorned and the sounded, the lame and the poor,
That should have remembered forever, ... Remember no more."

the same ones who since the beginning of time have exploited whoever allowed exploitation
------slave, indentured, civil, female, gay,crippled, weak----------and the one that makes me grit my teeth and salivate:
----------a parent--------who needs that job---------,,,,,,,,they,they,they,,,,,,, really know how to exploit that one,,,,,,,,,,

ANYWAY

"Sleep softly ... eagle forgotten ... under the stone.
Time has its way with you there, and the clay has its own."

ALTGELD------ i didnt know who he was, so i looked him up. can't say i agree with all his politics but i sure do agree with his principle................and pardoning men for murders they obviously didn't commit............i feel is pretty solid principle. HAYMARKET AFFAIR ---May 4, 1886.
my birthday is may41960.  there's been a lot emotion, friction, application of principle in action---- on that particular day, may4, pick a year----lot's of years subsequent to the 1886 year-----

it's 6am and i need to go to sleep but not before i mention
another influence on me tonight when
it comes to
standing up for what's right
in a way that isn't influenced by power or money

please read about "Wickpedia"-------- because knowledge is power and so little of what we are being fed is pure

i'm gonna see what they-Wickpedia-have to say about Vachel Lindsay

good night

My Fall Shall End

i seem to get stuck on certain words or sounds or concepts. so often i speak of seasons. maybe that is the gardener in me---the part of me that loves to watch my little patch of earth change and grow and die and grow again. i do love to nurture things. quite probably why i find myself in so many situations that i have no business being involved in. or why i am a nurse and.....why i don't want to be a nurse. frustration comes so easy for me when i see/meet someone or something that needs help/fixin' as we southerners say.

today, i am sitting on the bed in my older brother's spare bedroom. i haven't been to his house in over 15 years. we were born 16 months apart. i can't remember spending any real time with him since 1981. i was 21. i happened to find myself in searcy, arkansas.  seperated from my husband, two children under the age of four, broke..... broken.......

nov 5, 2011
51 years old, broke, broken.............no children on my hip....several in my heart

life in season

when blessed with 
a spiritual season of joy
a financial season of plenty
an emotional season of peace

i hold it at a distance
 fearing it's loss

a constant
throughout life

it's been painted as a sadness

it causes me to lock myself
inside myself
fearing if i believe it meant
for me

i wouldn't dare

whatever blessing is bringing
me joy at the moment
............is coming to an end

but nature in season

all seasons end

is that sad or frightening?
or cause to doubt the sweet breeze
that lifts my hair
and my spirit?

did God play me false
when He displayed the
colors of fall before me today?

i accept each season's end

my flesh knows
to actually prepare
for the change that is
as constant as sunrise

should the earth shift
should i be
perpetually bathed in
my beloved Fall

what of those on the other side of the earth

knowing change must come
......save the return of
the Lord of Hosts

shall i dread or lament the end
of this current season
in my spirit
my soul

or shall i anticipate
and prepare
for the next
...........with all its difficulties
...........with all its blessings and joys

shall i curl up and despair
the shedding of leaves

or stand in their midst
breathe in the promise
.....a promise
.....His Promise
.....dare i think He lied

i know
each cycle demands an end

i know
the cycle will continue
until Heaven engulfs earth

i know!

so bring on the rain
snow and cold

until
His Kingdom comes
His will is done
on earth as it is in Heaven

Oh Lord of Hosts
    rein me in
  rain on me
Reign in me

Your will

the letter "i"

a word
pronounced
"eye"

a word
singular

"i"
stands alone

... one (won)
meaning
...solitary

"eye"
stands alone

...one
...dimensional

impl"eyes"
...loss of dimension
capable
with
more than
one
"eye"

the letter "y"
pronounced
"eye"

as in
"why"

can not
stand alone

always
impl"eyes"
relationship
with
another

relation
as in
dimension

"i"
pronounced
"eye"

spelled as
"y"

pronounced
as
"why"

will forever
be
"I'

as in me or MY-----"m-eye"
"eye"-dent-e-tee

aye!

OBJECT

PRESENTED AS REALITY
-----with subtle light

creates
a
shadow

LIGHT CHANGES

----angles

cast
doubt or
give substance to

said object

OR

OBJECT

viewed thru

I's
set in
moments
created by
circumstance

EYE

SHOW PREFERENCE

to

subtLe

light

that changes

....or may change

time

and circumstance

(also known as history)

WHICH

HAS/HAD/WILL HAVE

THE POWER
TO
INFLUENCE

the life
of
an
individual

OR

A

NATION

as fact

history
or
a shift
of light
and
glance

HISTORY

fact

or light

mixed
with

perspective

and

circumSTANCE?

WHAT SAY YE????

well...........................tonight is just
tonight

same as last night

earlier i was thinkin
about
the definition
of words

my word
was
"voidest"

as in............
just how much
"void"
i could tolerate
and still live

or want to live......

dont get me wrong
and dont send no suckers to
my house

i
is
just
feelin
"voidest"

the most "void" a folk can feel

cuz my
blue eyed
chi'run 

my
only......

been wif me thru
evr'thang

aint
heuh

i needs me
some
coffee
an' lots
o
plants

eyes of blew

the eyes that

looked
me from
begin
would never
disengage

since birth
you searched
and twisted sought
to see what
i could give


you
blue

blew
            like a breeze


so soft--
 moves


   then gale

and bore
defilement
of


whatever
touched


you there
______________________
 your  innocence
     innocent
               trust------
 no
word
          replace ...............

you

i  /  we  
        died-----
_______

i never
knew
were you


my flesh
turned
blue
                     
                 as blood

the distant sound of laughter

lay sleeping in my dreams
the song a childhood memory
long buried in the sands

aroused by my desire to hear
the long forgot refrain--
i forced a smile upon my lips
but only could pretend

still feigning harmony with life
but crying deep within
the old familiar words i mouthed
could not enlighten heart

then slowly did i recognize
a treasure from the past
the sound was not another's voice--
this melody

was mine

intimacy

consummate intimacy occurs


when no words are spoken


flesh does not participate


........


only complete understanding
of intentions and desires


.......


shared in a thought


followed by a breath

been   /bɪn/ Show Spelled[bin] Show IPA

verb

past participle of be.

ALICE

wow

it's been a long time.

as usual, the need to release emotions draws me to this site
....moth.....flame......

my original agenda was halted when i read my own words
written months ago
emotional decades

i like my writings....
as a matter of fact, i think "tortured soul" is a really good piece
.......smug smiles

i'm entering my red hat era

i like my era
as a matter of fact, i think "red had" is a really good era
(not sure of the exact definition of "era" but it's more than a decade so i guess i'm being a positive thinker)
.........smug smiles

speaking of eras
the reason i reentered this old, familiar spot....
has to do with my work
nursing
31 years of being a nurse
wow
has it changed!

i find myself telling stories to all the youngsters (anyone who has less than a decade of experience)
"stories"
i always start with......"i know i'm getting old and you guys don't want to hear this, but......"
and so the story begins. or stories. and more stories.

tonight i realized that one of my favorite tales concerns my training

1981

those were modern times
women wore spandex (so did men) and flash danced under disco balls

but in my world, the world of nursing,

we wore white hats---starched white hats----stiffly starched white hats
SAS shoes----white SAS shoes-----freshly polished, white SAS shoes

no hair on the collar
limited make-up
patrolled by "old women"---some with facial hair

white uniforms. dresses mostly. except for the occasional slacks that had to be worn with a tunic. it had to touch your knees. the tunic that is.

each time the hirsutistic proctor walked our way our bodies shrunk just a bit.

i told those tales as. a time of hardship. this is what it was like when i was young. i may not have walked 10 miles to school. but i didn't think of reporting to school/work without polishing my shoes. or ironing my uniform the night before.

never.....at least.....if the thought crossed my mind......it was a rebellious transient kind of thought. more like a wish or a dream.

tonight it dawned on me (dawn as the sun coming up. after a very long night. dawn. as the birds begin to sing....you know. the first bird you hear. when you've been up all night. you just want to sleep at least one hour before beginning again. then the bird sings.) i could never resent a morning birdsong

dawned on me that i now tell those stories with pride.

if only.....

if only the freakish bearded woman would show up and
take all the cell phones away

make rounds on the patients
and scathe any nurse who was in a position other than walking motion. whose patient needed to be cleaned. needed to be turned----WHAT---a bedsore. no. not even a bedsore---a reddened area that could lead to a bedsore.

patients were bathed (by nurses), sheets were changed (by nurses), trash was removed (by nurses)--no leftover trays of food, no patient waiting to be fed, no pitcher without ICE and fresh agua (unfiltered) but very fresh

my first position
i was an operating room nurse. a lpn. a scrub. her name was ALICE WILLIAMS. she had the reputation of being the biggest bitch in the hospital (all OR supervisors were that way. job requirements) and they had to be because being supervisor of an OR meant. your reputation as a person was gauged by the weights and meters of  "sterile environment".

im sure newbies think i am embellishing my story. when i say. she would randomly culture areas of the operating rooms. she sent them to the lab. to see if an ORGANISM grew.
if the big O was found. everyone stayed late. everything was scrubbed. everything.

i hated her then.
i pray for her resurrection now.
if only.
if only our profession.
if only it was rare
for me to start a shift
with a patient who was. who felt that.
they had. a good nurse.
if only
i could end a shift
with a patient who
felt that. he. she. they. had. a. good. no. great. nurse.

if only. that wasn't.
rare.

i long for
i miss
ALICE

Point of View

mortal
mortal enemy
mortal mind
mortal sin
mortal sin/venial sin
mortal-mind
mortal-sin
mortality
mortality rate
mortality table
mortality-table
mortalize
mortar
mortar and pestle
mortar board
mortar fire
mortar ketch

Did you know: Is there a word for the individual prongs of a fork ?shibboleth pernicious grammar proverb mortally - 5 dictionary results.

mor·tal   /ˈmɔrtl/ Show Spelled
[mawr-tl] Show IPA

–adjective

1. subject to death; having a transitory life: all mortal creatures.
2. of or pertaining to human beings as subject to death; human: this mortal life.
3. belonging to this world.
EXPAND4. deadly or implacable; relentless: a mortal enemy. 5. severe, dire, grievous, or bitter: in mortal fear. 6. causing or liable to cause death; fatal: a mortal wound. 7. to the death: mortal combat. 8. of or pertaining to death: the mortal hour. 9. involving spiritual death ( opposed to venial): mortal sin. 10. long and wearisome. 11. extreme; very great: in a mortal hurry. 12. conceivable; possible: of no mortal value to the owners. COLLAPSE

–noun

13. a human being.
14. the condition of being subject to death. .

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Use mortally in a Sentence

See images of mortally

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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Origin:

1325–75; Middle English < Latin mortālis, equivalent to mort- (stem of mors ) death + -ālis -al1


—Related forms

mor·tal·ly, adverb

non·mor·tal, adjective, noun

non·mor·tal·ly, adverb

post·mor·tal, adjective

post·mor·tal·ly, adverb

EXPANDpre·mor·tal, adjective pre·mor·tal·ly, adverb un·mor·tal, adjective COLLAPSE

—Synonyms

6. See fatal.

Dictionary.com Unabridged

Based on the Random House Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2011.

Cite This Source
Link To mortally

World English Dictionary

mortal (ˈmɔːt ə l)

— adj

1. (of living beings, esp human beings) subject to death
2. of or involving life or the world
3. ending in or causing death; fatal: a mortal blow
4. deadly or unrelenting: a mortal enemy
5. of or like the fear of death; dire: mortal terror
6. great or very intense: mortal pain
7. possible: there was no mortal reason to go
8. slang long and tedious: for three mortal hours

— n

9. a mortal being
10. informal a person: a mean mortal
[C14: from Latin mortālis, from mors death]

'mortally

— adv

Could one correctly use the term "emotionally mortally wounded?"
 
Regardless......
 
tears
 
are a waste of time, fluid and energy
 
grief
 
is a wasted emotion
 
"mortally wounded"
 
especially at the hands of those most trusted
 
even if in relation to an emotion
 
mortally---
 
forever---
 
passed and released into another realm---
 
no longer to exist
 
 
Survival can only exist by acknowledging "loss"
 
as in the loss of an arm or a leg
 
There are those who have
 
achieved some type of acclaim
 
in spite of such a loss
 
I have no desire for acclaim
 
or survival
 
I can only acknowledge "loss"
 
I can only pray for direction....
 
"Lord!!!!! How do I even move?"
 
"Lord!!!!!"
 

balance

my head carries
a
heavy
weight



my heart also

carries

a
heavy
weight



i understand

fetal

position

Ruby Nell






Margie Faye




Amy lynn




heather yvonne


Merci     EliZabeth




THYME

Has

A

NAME


SAY IT

bask: to lie in or be exposed to a pleasant warmth

I really long to write something this morning. Up at 3:30---age has a way of waking me with pain. But the battle is won by me because I have found that rising early gives me the time I desperately need to connect with the source of life and pain. In that source is healing. A good cup of coffee helps tremendously too.

I'm out of a job. Staying at home and doing what I love--creating a home and attempting to build a family that is strong and connected to the Giver of life. For the first time in my life I feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be and doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Finances are desperate but my relationship with my granddaughter has blossomed beyond anything I could have imagined. God has brought others into my life and my heart that I would never before have allowed to get anywhere near my heart.

All children--broken children. They may be adults now but at one time they were all broken and forsaken children. Much like my own children. Maybe this is a do-over. If so Lord-give me guidance, wisdom and strength.

For so many years I resented having to care for someone else...to carry the burden of responsibility. Now that I've been freed of my self-imposed codependent obligations of the modern day superwoman---I am overcome with a desire to help and care for those whom God has put in my life that are in need. I really do love to care for those in need.

But there is one child who is not a child. My stepson.....a precious soul who is tortured with anger and self-loathing manifested by a demon in the form of alcohol. The nurturer in me cries out and longs to mother him---but he is now a man.....a father......and I am raising his daughter. I believe in the circles of life----this one has a few gaps. At the very least, some disfigurations that prevent an orbital path that produces fruitful seasons of growth.

He is the seed that didn't sprout in season. The seed that lies dormant.

So I lift this precious life before You oh my Father. Please give him back the years the locust have eaten. Please demonstrate Your wonder and love to him in a way that he can not deny or turn away from.


from warmth
into cold

first growing
then old

from naked
then wrapped
and bound tight

cry of fear.........
not a tear

not a season...
not a reason....
no sight

first soiling
....then toiling
days fade then
dissolve

slow sinking
like cole
tortured soul

gripped by need
for the dawn
.....darkness stays on

hope dims
as need
loses
sight......

fright......

tiny hopes
emerge
seeking Sun
but
submerge

into pools of poison
and lies

dies......

weak
and exposed
by nature
explodes

but eruption
breaks earth and
finds Sun

finding One

who created the seed
......the longing
.....the need

to bask in the warmth
of the Sun

to Bask in the Warmth
of the Son

ERUPT son
ERUPT sun
erupt SON

break the ground
bend the knee

FREE

"arc"

World English Dictionary
arc (ɑːk)
— n
2. part of an unbroken curved line
4. astronomy a circular section of the apparent path of a celestial body

To say "life is a journey" or "life is a circle" may be considered cliche. But so might be "I AM". One either gets it or one doesn't.

My life is a journey. At times focused and moving toward the goal or destination. It saddens me to say that most of my time has been spent wandering in the desert. God has been watching over me and providing for me but I haven't been trusting Him or following Him. I am happy to say that He has gotten my attention.

Over the last few months, I took time off, focused on my Lord, prayed to be consumed and drew nearer to Him than I ever thought possible while in a fleshly form.

Then I found the "perfect" job. I loved it! I praised God for it. Then I was fired. Yep---terminated---escorted to my desk, gathered up all my belongings in front of coworkers who wouldn't look away from their computers and escorted to my car.

Of course I was an innocent victim and as such I dedicated several days and weeks in seeking exoneration and justice. I recoiled in depression and lashed out in anger. I knew that God had led me to that position--never did I doubt Him. I still don't.

He has brought me even closer. My finances are a nightmare. My home may be in foreclosure. My marriage almost crashed and burned. I spiraled and then landed right in my own home. He brought me home.

My relationship with my granddaughter has flourished. I have been terminated as the "controller" of my home and family. I am learning my rightful place as a child of God, a wife and the caretaker of a treasured gift given me in the form of a child.

Child---that is where I am now. While trying to exonerate myself, I went on a search that took me to the bowels of hell on this planet. True stories of children who have been murdered and abused while in the care of our government. I was furious and wanted to expose every individual and agency involved in these horrendous acts of neglect and abuse.

Then I was humbled. The target of my finger pointing was a moving target. At least they were moving-or trying to do something. I stood in judgement but what was my solution?

If anyone should happen to read this, I ask for your prayers. I've always heard the word "calling" and nodded in understanding. But did I believe? Was I making trifle agreement of the hand of God moving in/on this earth?

Life is a journey gifted to us by the I AM. And it is a circle because He was present when life was breathed into me and He will be present when I breathe my last.

Every day, I am an arc.

Words

once tr u  st is brok  en.......... it is lost

piecesnolongerfit

Words         become

   consonants  and vowels forced to cohabitate

.....audible..... NO meaning

possibly
    
     elbaterpretin
               erintablepret
                        interpretable
                
            after much re
                                pe
                                    ti
                                      ti
                                        on


but liken to

    ancient civilizations......or languages

                                           remnants prove it once existed
             
.....but  it's   true meaning is forever

                        gone.............

midnight

there is no silence

a

train in the distance

the occasional clack

of the dryer in the next room

closer...

 the train roars closer

a vibration of power in motion

unstoppable momentum

passing so quickly

the sound doesn't fade

it ceases

suddenly

leaving stillness

even the dryer has stopped

only the clock ticks

only the clock ticks

clock tick

clock tick

tick

tick

another train coming

this one sounds

the approach

sounds

sounds

taking the sound

to a destination

unknown to me

no silence

tick

tick

tick

Secure

I see You through the clouds

oh God

I hear Your chime of voice

My soul consoles a fretful mind

and Spirit ruptures forth

to herald One whose name is True

to depths of love no end

Assurance wraps itself around

I collapse into Your hand

Snow Day

It's been a while since I last posted. Actually, I was drawn back to the blogger world by a friend's new blog site and couldn't resist glancing at my own.

It feels like it's been decades since I visited my old friend and yet somehow I feel younger.

Today is a blessing from God. Snowbound  due to work being closed (oh how I love this state job) and "forced" to sit here in my favorite room, in by favorite chair, doing my favorite thing-----nothing. Actually, I have filled the bird feeders and surrounded myself with books and laptop. Outside my window is a winter wonderland of downy quiet accented by cardinals, finches, sparrows and occasionally a woodpecker. I even saw a robin that was so fat it is a wonder he can fly. Heaven on earth for me. It would be perfect except for the fact that my husband is home and schools are closed.

You see, both my husband and my granddaughter are the type of personality that when given a moment of silence they feel the overwhelming need to fill it with music, words or television. When that no longer fulfills their needs, they insist on "doing something" which consists of dressing, driving (cursing traffic) and spending money. After which, I am filled with resentment because I am physically and emotionally exhausted and guilt ridden for wasting a day doing something I didn't want to do and spending money I didn't need to spend. But not wanting to be selfish, I usually try to negotiate for some alone time and then spend the rest of the day acquiescing.

As usual, after a cup of joe I insisted on some time alone in my sun room in order to gather my thoughts and spend some time with God. I closed the french doors but the glass allowed me to watch them begin to circle after about thirty  minutes. Feeling the tension rising in me, knowing what was to come.....I opened the doors. Both were perched beside me within seconds and demanding to know what I wanted to do. Since I usually respond with: "what do you guys want to do?"....they were both surprised when I replied with: "I'm doing it.". My husband gave me an indignant smirk and stated that before the end of the day he was going to "do something"-implying I was wasting a perfectly good day.  I replied with "do you think that reading a book and watching birds is doing nothing?". No response. My granddaughter started to cry because she wanted to go shopping and was sent to her room.

As it turns out, I am once again alone, except for my Yorkie, doing what I love best---nothing. My husband is soaking in the tub (with a magazine) and my granddaughter is in her room drawing.

Most amazing of all..........we all seem content.

Kudos Amy---let's visit the Keurig one more time.