Monday, June 7, 2010


We have a granddaughter that lives with us. She has been in our home since she was two. She is now five. It was meant to be a temporary situation. Her parents interact with her just enough to keep the hope alive that someday she will be reunited with them. Their constant disappointment is just enough to break her precious and trusting heart and brings her to sobbing tears. All while our legal system protects her parents and their "parental rights".

I often become angry and verbally lash out at her parents.

I often ask God to take the burden of this child away.

I often ask God to bring a change of heart in her parents and occasionally start to believe....only to be disappointed and angry once again.

I often raise my anger toward God and ask "why?". Don't I deserve to enjoy my golden years? Didn't all those years as a single parent struggling to survive and raise two children merit me a little peace now that mine are grown?

Then, I hear her laughter or she hugs my leg.

of contentment
invades me
as one who
has been violated
in the most
intimate of ways

Unable to wash
away the filth
of guilt
reflected by

Aware that I
am known
past, present, future
and still loved

writhe against
your attempts to
still my soul

Desiring only to free
from my chains

A slave struggling
to be free

the gift
i long to possess

i ask why

knowing i should
be overcome with
as one found entrusted
with a life
asked to be lived
in faith

i recognize


  1. I will not even pretend to tell you I understand what it is like to be in your situation...I can imagine feeling very much the same way about my golden years...most people's the "American Dream" right...?? matter what our past is, our retirement years are to be for us to do what we want!?!?! but then I think about this couple I know in their 50s who has grown children who are on their own and has four more adopted ones(one with autism, one from China, two from Africa)...and I think "sheesh, they'll never be done!" Knowing them has challenged me to not think of my later years as the 'American Dream' kind anymore...but instead what is God's Dream for my golden years...for my NOW far it has not lined up with MOST of what I see around me, so I doubt the later years will either! That's ok, though...this life is "but a vapor"...I'll spend my golden years in heaven!

    much love to you, friend! and to that sweet princess in your house!

  2. YOU have captured my heart, yet another time! your post is precious, the honest arguements that we all have if we were willing to say them aloud. i can hear that it is nothing against that beautiful little girl but rather, expressing the frustration and anger of having to 'give up' plans that we've formulated for ourselves.
    you have offered all of us a great dose of grace when you decided to share this ongoing process that refines you...

  3. what lovely post...
    u r cool by keeping your granddaughter for 3 years.

    God bless you.

  4. it's been quite some time since i've seen you post everything okay? this life can sure offer up some huge difficulties...just wanted you to know that i'm thinking of you :)