Thursday, February 25, 2010


Tonight my brain feels like it's sinking in mud... pure sludge... I made mistakes at work. Actually, I made two mistakes at work-serious mistakes. I'm an ED nurse. That is not a good thing.

I'm having trouble driving home because I feel dizzy. You see, my medication that calms the aggressive side of me and evens out my moods at times makes me feel like I can't even force my brain to think. It is usually when I have a difficult, stressful day and exercise my brain (today it had a hard workout). So in order to offset this side effect, I take another medication. This one keeps me awake. Then I take another one........

Is there no end?

While working tonight, I almost cried. The thought crossed my mind that I would be better off if I stopped taking my medications. You see, I have always been a very good ED nurse. My therapist says that is because my illness allowed me to focus during a very stressful situation. I became like a machine. I rarely made mistakes... I never cried...

But the down side of not taking my medication is that my husband and family love the new me. I love the new least when I'm not at work. But that has been my identity for so what is my identity?

Okay....let me think this through....

First, I am a child of God.
Second, I am a wife.
Third, I am a mother
a grandmother, a friend

I have so much to be thankful for! So why do I feel so sad?

I suppose I just need to allow myself to grieve the loss of my professional identity. The problem is that has been my whole identity.

And if I have to change jobs---I know the Lord will provide.

Well, at least it should be exciting watching the new me evolve.

Dear Lord, please help me to accept where I am. May I use this time to learn acceptance of nonperfection. Forgive me for the impossible standards I have set in the past--those I live with and those I work with. Humility comes difficult for me, but I feel that is the moral of this story:


1 comment:

  1. i don't think you will have to find a new job...i think that it will simply take time for your new professional identity to surface in a way that feels comfortable. in the past your main focus was to save you are also focused on touching them...more importantly in a Spiritual way. of course the enemy is not going to stand idle! and it is hard to focus on both physical and spiritual health. i believe that your soul is quite up to the task. i love you and am proud of your incredible courage and strength!